I’m an Aries. As the first sign of the zodiac, we like winning and coming in on top. We fiery individuals crave equal parts attention and alone time. We’re social butterflies, but hate it when people get too clingy or needy and we’re stubborn to a fault… imagine a ram butting its head over and over against a brick wall when there’s easily an entrance just a few feet further down the line. At our best we are passionate, independent, and daring. At our worst we are temperamental, reckless and self-involved.
All of this is according to a quick Google search I did but it pretty much fits me to a tee. I like getting attention (hey, who doesn’t?) but I value my me time just as much. I can’t stand when people get clingy – it’s a major turn off. I’m ambitious and competitive in things I care about but I put myself into a lot of unnecessary situations where I’m bound to get hurt (psychically, emotionally, etc.).
When it comes down to it, I don’t know how much I really believe in the whole horoscopes thing. I feel most of it could apply to any general reader and if you read something that you want to believe about yourself you’ll probably end up making that connection anyways no matter how big the stretch. But with that being said, I’ve always believed in it when applied to myself. A little backwards, I know. Trust me, I know.
I bring up horoscopes now because about a week ago my friend was reading zodiac facts on twitter and came across one that basically said “Aries are heart breakers.” I scoffed at this of course. “Please, looking at the facts (and the past) I’m pretty sure I’m not the one who did any heart breaking,” I said. Which is perfectly true. I’ve never been in love or even close, but I’m usually always the one who gets hurt in all of the romantic or unromantic ‘things’ I get myself tangled in.
“Well, wait. I can kinda see how that’s true even for you,” said my best friend G. Um, what? Please explain further because I have no idea what kind of fucking alternate universe you’re living in right now.
According to her it’s because of the way I’m afraid to be vulnerable and intimate with people. Which is true and always has been, but I’ve changed a lot in just the past year. I like being intimate. I crave it, actually. But then I realized that’s a lot different then really being vulnerable.
I’ve laid in bed completely naked with someone who I was curious about and interested in but not in love with after sex. Sex in and of itself can be very intimate of course, but in this case it wasn’t really. Like I said, we weren’t in love. I don’t even know how much in ‘like’ we were if at all. But we just talked.
To me, this was the intimate part and I felt very vulnerable then and maybe I was. But looking back at that ‘thing’ and all of my ‘things’ with people in the past I feel like I’ve always been holding back. I’m myself and don’t try to be anyone different, but I still feel like I’m acting or putting on airs. I have a wall up without even trying… I don’t know how big of one it is, but it’s big enough to matter.
I would analyze it more like most other things about myself… but it’s hard when I can’t fully explain it or find the right words to even try.
So while it may be true that I’ve never broken any hearts, the fact that I can’t get rid of this always present wall.. that I’m always holding back… these things can be dangerous. To the other party or as it usually goes… to myself.
